Are Introverts Lonely?

Sometimes. But introvert isolation has its advantages.

Alyssa Smith
5 min readFeb 5, 2022
Photo by Caroline Hernandez on Unsplash

As a lifelong introvert, it’s one of the few things I feel qualified to write about. A quiet child, I didn’t have my first friend until I was eight, and even then, a few hours of playing together was enough, and then it was off to my room to play Littlest Pet Shop by myself.

However, even in those calm, solitary moments, I occasionally felt brief but intense loneliness. Yes, I had chosen to be alone, but at the same time, part of me wished I had company. I wanted to be the girl invited to all the sleepovers, and I also longed to dig into my stack of books from the library, because I had to know what happened next at Sweet Valley High. It was confusing for me to understand as a child — I didn’t know why I was like this, and I certainly didn’t know the term ‘introvert.’

Now in my 30s, my adult obligations create plenty of situations where I want to retreat, and technology creates plenty of ways to offend people when I inevitably do. One example is my ongoing struggle with texting.

Bring back landlines. Photo by Chris Yang on Unsplash

Last week, the group chat was blowing up. Everyone was making jokes, plans, and generally being too GIF-happy. People were ‘reacting’ to each comment, and the notifications were non-stop. I started to feel tired. Then I got another text, this one from a friend I hadn’t heard from in a while:

How have you been? Let’s hang out soon! I have so much to tell you!

Already feeling obligated to participate in the group chat, my brain started to go into energy saver mode. The next buzz was a text from my mother:

Call me when you get a chance! Miss you!

Even though I love these people, I now felt fully overwhelmed.

In these situations, I feel pressure be the perfect version of myself. For my friends, that means texting back comments with just the right amount of humor, and for my mom, that means responding instantly and with perfect punctuation and tone, so she doesn’t worry. But on this day, it felt impossible. So, I “ostrich-ed” the situation: I set my phone aside and tried to forget about the notifications awaiting me.

Me dealing with my problems. Photo by Wolfgang Hasselmann on Unsplash

The next day, I remembered I hadn’t responded to anyone (except for my mom — I really didn’t want the police at my door for a wellness check). I felt ashamed for not answering my friends, and not knowing what to say, I didn’t respond. A few more days passed, and I realized I missed them and would love to hang out with them. So, tail between my legs, I texted back.

I know that my lack of communication sometimes leaves people thinking I’m aloof and uninterested, but that is the opposite of my intentions. The time I take ignoring these texts is used to mentally regroup and ensure I don’t take out my stress on someone I love. It’s how I have adapted to manage my introversion in the modern world.

Until recently, I thought that I was alone in this experience. Luckily, in today’s climate, where it's increasingly common to talk freely about our therapist appointments and our mental health, I have connected with other introverts. Through these connections, I have been exposed to resources about why I am like this and to my surprise, how it can actually be a strength.

Me learning I’m not special. Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Introversion and extroversion are two ends on a spectrum. Most researchers agree that people who fall more on the introvert side are not necessarily shy, nor do they have to meet the criteria for social anxiety. Without going into Jungian psychology or discussing neurotransmitters, researchers have found that introverts experience higher levels of energy, focus, and creativity alone than when they are surrounded by others.

And unlike during Carl Jung’s time, more and more writings have emerged highlighting the benefits of being introverted. Here are my favorites:
Being a good listener
• Speaking with intention and purpose
• Being a keen observer
• Creating strong, lifelong friendships
• Having high degrees of empathy


Reading through these strengths, I realized throughout my whole life I had been developing my own that deserves a place on the list: Enjoying your own company.

Sure, the loneliness that sometimes hit me as a kid when I was playing alone was unpleasant, but in that solitude, I was doing something important. I was finding my depths. Alone, I learned how to talk myself through my emotions. I became my own best friend. And I learned how to weather my highs and lows.

So, I encourage all the introverts out there to see this social ‘ostrich-ing’ you may experience as a flaw in an otherwise stunning diamond of a personality. Because on top of all the qualities that make us wonderful, I think an overlooked gift of introverts is that we genuinely like spending time with ourselves. And at the end of the day, the end of this life, all you’ve really got is yourself.

If you like that person, well, you’re in for a pretty good ride.

Introverting on the Highway by Harley-Davidson on Unsplash

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Alyssa Smith

Alyssa Smith is a 30-something from Detroit who writes what she knows, which varies from day to day.